Blog Three

I guess now is as good a time as any to try out a personal blog, as I can't really relate to the topic of choice. It's funny because as I sit down to write something about myself, I realize that for too long I have been overly self-critical. I can't help but think, "what is interesting." Not just what is interesting about me, but what do I find particularly interesting. It is actually because of these two questions that I had to leave Boulder for the past year. 

First is the self-depricating mindset. Coming from a small high-school where I knew everyone and everyone knew me was a big change to begin with. As a shy and far from confident person, freshman year was characterized around being as anti-social as I could be without being miserable. Trying not to offend people and make waves was a priority over feeling free to be myself. This type of thinking was not only rough socially but mentally as well. Keeping a constant barrier up takes serious effort, an effort that was straining. Luckily there was plenty of weed around when I needed a break, and I became a self-medicating smoker. 

This viscous cycle of being self-conscience, and self-medicating unfortunately continued for a few years because I was a capable enough student to coast through. Even worse though, was the fact that this cycle slowly lead me away from the person I really did feel like. Resorting back to being a stoner was plain easier than the alternative (doing something because it's easier seems to be a reoccuring theme lately). I would go back home and not resemble the upbeat, easygoing person I had been. What was I interested in, what was I passionate about? These were questions that inexplicatly I had no answer for. It had just been too long since I had done/acted the way I felt that I couldn't remember anymore.

Luckily, my friends and family saw the change of character becoming restricting to my enjoyment of life. One of my best friends at school suggested I take some time off to put things in perspective, and my parents decided they weren't going to pay for me to go to school if I wanted to return. In what I look at as the first good decision in a string of a few of them, I left Boulder and spent the subsequent year living at home. With my parents and sister around, and being productive working five days a week I slowly re-gained what I had lost;. My sense of self.

In a weak attempt to relate this to class, loosing your sense of self can be terrible socially, but downright catastrophic mentally.